I don't believe I am an alcoholic -- that seems like a pathology, a stigma that perhaps I will not allow my mind to associate with myself. I drink a lot, as might be evidenced by the fact that I'm writing these words, and I joke often with my friends that I am in fact an alcoholic (something not helped by the fact that according to my weekly consumption, the American CDC would classify me as one), but I dont think I am. I love to drink, it brings a certain kind of relief after a long day at work, it allows me to hit on women without so much self constraint, it tastes good and has allowed me to connect with my father in a way I wasn't able to as a child (both of us being unrepentant beer snobs). But sometimes I worry I drink too much, and that someday I might have to give it up. I don't drink to excess often, but the fear still sits in me. I know that alcohol is addictive, that the fact that I know this and recognize patterns in myself that might lead to addiction yet forge ahead is probably not a good sign. And yet.
I think I connect with God more when I drink. I have gone through many fraught phases of my life where I've turned to religion, found comfort in the divine. And I still do, to an extent. But there is something about sitting there on a weekend night a few beers in and feeling the divine presence in a comforting way I haven't been able to while sober in years. How can I give that up?